Sad Eyes

Why do I well up in tears when I least expect it?

Strangers can say a kind word to me and I well up with tears. I see something sad, or someone very happy…I well up with tears.

I wrote this poem when I was 9 years old.

Sad eyes, filled with horror and with fear.
Eyes where tears have a home.
Tears that come out like the moon and the stars.

My sad eyes. Blue, but yet so gray,
Like a stormy winter day.
Please, I beg you, go away.
I’m tired of you coming out,
When I least expect it.
I want to shout.
I’m happy, be gone.
Or do I pretend,
Like I always do.
So no one will see,
The real me.

Even though my mother said I was her most beautiful child, she also told me, “You’re beautiful Rebecca, you don’t have to be smart, you’ll find a man and get married”. As a result, most of my life was spent thinking I lacked intellegence. I felt inferior and thought everyone was more intelligent than me.

She also said; “Get what you can from men, use your beauty. And, my dear, if you are going to sleep with a man make sure you get something for it!”

“Mom,” I shouted, “If I decide to have sex with a man, I’ll do it for pleasure and not for what I can get!” Nevertheless, all those toxic statements cropped up from time to time over the years, so I strive to catch those thoughts in order to immediately change them.

Before long, George, a wealthy married man came into my life. I became his mistress and he became my lover and best friend for 24 years.

“Do you know how smart you are?” he said one day.

“I’m not smart…I’m beautiful,” I replied in a humorous voice, but with a tear forming in my eyes. It was always a sore spot with me, thinking I was not smart.

“Well, you are my dear beautiful woman. Let’s get your IQ score taken Ruggie.” He called me Ruggie, short for a pastry called Rugelach, which he loved to eat.

Of course, I wouldn’t go for the test. I was too afraid it would be a low IQ score. At this stage of my life at 76, I KNOW I’M INTELLIGENT. It wasn’t until I was in my late 50’s that I became aware of my intellect with the help of The Center for Spiritual Living in Fort Lauderdale. I immersed myself in their teachings, following the textbook of Ernest Holmes, The Science of the Mind. I’m still working on changing some core beliefs that pop up now and then.

Core beliefs are central beliefs that people hold about the self, others and the world. Core beliefs are often formed at an early age, and can refer to a cognitive content or construct such as “I am unlovable” or “people can’t be trusted”.

How blessed I feel every day for finding my way there. It changed my life.